How many times do we hear the adage that girls need their fathers? A million times over, right? Recently at an ELBD Young Women’s Leadership gathering, a young lady (we’ll call her Michelle) expressed raw emotions when she was asked about her father. Michelle initially tried to hold back, but after a moment decided to release the pain she was feeling as she is still grieving the loss of her father. She mentioned that the anniversary of his death was the next day. We embraced Michelle in love and allowed her to grieve her loss. 

As our discussion continued, we touched on how girls suffer when they do not have a father present. The beauty of Michelle’s situation is that she had a father who cherished her and taught her to always demand respect from men. This makes Michelle’s dating life a bit interesting as she will not compromise and settle for less than what her father told her she should have. Michelle is quick to shut it down when she feels a young man is not up to par. She feels she deserves the best and is determined to share her life with someone who is worthy of her time. We cannot fault her for that – she demands respect.

We applaud the Michelle’s of the world and men like her father who teach their daughters the importance of self-respect and self-worth and not to settle for less than she deserves. Unfortunately, so many teen girls and young women find themselves seeking love and attention from boys and men that have no idea how to cherish them. While it is easy to blame the guys for being sleazy, it really boils down to what teen girls and young women will settle for. When we see teen girls and young women in abusive relationships, it’s easy to zero in on the fact that she has low self-esteem and self-worth.

My students laugh when I tell them how precious her “cookies” are and that she cannot just “give” them and her dignity away freely. Giving her cookies away like all of the other girls does not make her special. Often times, she’s just another prize that “he” did not have to work for. It may sound a bit old fashioned to many, but self-esteem and self-worth is “timeless.” It is time to stop blaming the guys and look within and ask yourself why you accept and allow negative treatment from the guy you love and take steps toward loving yourself. Here are a few tips:

1. Don’t focus on what you cannot do, but focus on the things that you are good at and spend time doing them. This builds confidence.
2. Try repeating affirmations to yourself daily in private; such as “I have amazing potential. I can make good choices. I am never alone. I can do hard things. I am beautiful inside and out and I know this without someone having to tell me. I am of great worth.”
3. Take pride in your opinions and thoughts even when others may not agree. Others not agreeing with you is not a reflection of your self-worth.
4. Try new things to help learn more about your talents. For example, “I have never participated in a marathon before, but I signed up for a 5K marathon and found that I actually did pretty well! Maybe I’ll try another one real soon.” These positive thoughts become good opinions of yourself, and add up to self-esteem.
5. While it is great to spend time with the special fella in your life, remember to develop hobbies and interests which give you pleasure and know that you can pursue them independently. Spending too much time with that special guy can cause you to lose yourself and opens the door to being controlled by some guys or young men who crave control and dominance. 
6. Remember, when your significant other tells you negative things about your body image that he is not the “authority” on beauty. For example, if you like to wear your hair a certain way and he does not like it, continue to please yourself and wear it the way you like it. If he cannot respect your wishes, then he is not the one for you. 

While it has become so cliché to say, “you are beautiful and wonderfully made,” the truth is that each girl, teen and young woman is exactly that and so much more. Whether we were raised by our fathers or not, each of us is unique in our own way and worthy of self-respect and self-love. Think of all the wonderful things you would have liked to have heard from your father and tell them to yourself. We all possess the tools to build our self-esteem; we only need to tap into them. Give it a try. Find your own shine you beautiful thing – you GLOW!