Adult Women and Bullying
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We have all heard about little girls being bullied at school, on the playground and within their circle of friends. However, I hear myself saying the words "adult" and "bullying" in the same sentence all too often. Many adult women do not like admitting to it, but the phenomenon is prevalent. Women bullying other women often takes place within our social circles, the workplace, within social and civic organizations, and on social media. Having witnessed a great deal of this type of behavior in recent years, I have reached the conclusion that aging is mandatory, but maturing is definitely optional.
Young Girls & Women Who Bully
Though I do not condone it, I understand the competition among young women, because they are taught this type of behavior. Not to mention, reality television has taken the competition among young women to an all time high; revealing women in the worse light. From hurling verbal insults, to having physical brawls, these girls and women fight to show their dominance. Of course there is nothing wrong with healthy competition, but when you deliberately demean, sabotage, or blackball women in order to get ahead for your own personal gain and satisfaction, you are simply, a bully. Some young women do this because she has not yet fully matured to understand that bullying is not necessary for her to be liked and accepted, or to gain real power and success. What is most baffling is that I have witnessed women who are over 40 years old go out of their way to bully others without batting an eye, or giving a thought to their behavior.
Dr. Brenda Wade shares her views on bullying.
The Adult Bully
So, why does Ms. Bully get away with it? Because other women let them. Let's be frank. Like animals, bullies stalk their prey before attacking. Ms. Bully simply zeros in on those with low self-esteem who lack confidence that she can bully until her heart is content. What you need to know about Ms. Bully, is that she is the most insecure women in the room. Her bullying is a reflection of something that is lacking within (love, respect, and power). Yes, often POWER is what she seeks when she's bullying, because it is missing in other parts of her life, and usually, because someone in her life has done it to her. She does it because YOU say NOTHING, but complain to your girlfriends, co-workers and others who do not have the authority or where withal to stand up to Ms. Bully themselves. Reality check! YOU do not solve a problem with Ms. Bully by sweeping it under a rug. Like a disease, it begins to fester and infects others within your circle. She needs to be addressed.
Ms. Bully's Tactics
Remember, she's savvy, intelligent, often accomplished and well respected in many arenas. She is sophisticated and subtle in her approach, and works best in groups where she rallies her other victims to help do her bidding. In doing so, she is elevating her feelings while she diminishes those of others. She gossips, demeans, rejects, and excludes others and feigns innocence when called on the carpet on her deplorable behavior.
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Regain Your Power
If you have been Ms. Bully's victim, you need to ask yourself why you're condoning the behavior. The most powerful word in the English language is "No." Learn to use it often and put an end to your own misery. Remove yourself from the victim role and take back your power. Ms. Bully only owns your power when you crown her with it. I recommend some of the following tips:
- If Ms. Bully is within your social circles, openly and calmly express to her your dislike for her behavior. Explain how it makes you feel and ask her to stop. Within social and civic organizations, there are by-laws and policies against such behavior and you may wish to file a formal complaint, which will affect Ms. Bully's membership if it continues. She might even act like she does not care about what you are sharing, (a defense mechanism), but she does.
- If the bullying is happening at work, be sure to document the activity in detail with the dates and times of each incident. Report the incidents to your manager, Human Resources department, or to your Employee Assistance Hotline to seek guidance on putting an end to your co-worker or manager's behavior.
- It can be painful to walk away from the relationship, if Ms. Bully is your relative or friend, but continuing a one sided friendship where you are being mentally or verbally abused is not healthy. Though you may love them, you may have to sever your ties. As they say, "good fences makes good neighbors." Set boundaries and stick to them.
As adults, we can control the negative and positive energy that we allow into our lives. Remove Ms. Bully once and for all. Life is too short to live it nurturing unhealthy relationships and being abused. Regain your power and allow only positive vibes to flow.